Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML
Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML
Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend said "It's funny how every time we have sex I'm wearing these panties." We've been having sex every day for the last six days. FML
Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML
Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML
Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door…" I'd forgotten about that option. FML
Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML
Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML
Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML
Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the, "I know I'm not your mother…" speech. FML
Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML
Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML
Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML
Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML
Today, I was babysitting a little girl, and we were playing with dolls. After we fed her babies, we put them down for a nap. After a few minutes, I asked if they'd had enough sleep. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "Uh, they're not real babies, you know…" FML
Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML
Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML
Today, I finally found the perfect quote to open my college essay. Then I found out that the author was one of the founders of the KKK. FML
Today, I was at a club when a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind with him. Hoping for some backup, I coolly said, "You'll have to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yeah, man, I don't care." FML
Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML
Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML
Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have to replace my $120 calculator. FML
Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to our new cat. My mom said she'd rather get rid of me than the cat. FML
Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML
Today, I took my daughter out driving to practice for her road test. I told her to make a left into a parking lot. She missed the 30-foot wide entrance, but not the two-foot wide tree. FML
Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused, "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML
Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML
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