Today, I discovered my 10 month-old is terrified of my laugh. Every time I start to laugh, she screams in terror. It's getting depressing. FML
Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML
Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML
Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. My wife got pissed when I didn't immediately check on her, but rather the other driver. That other driver was my daughter. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant. I asked how it could be possible, since she's on birth control. She said she didn't know her antibiotics would interfere with it. She's a pharmacist. FML
Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a Smurf. FML
Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML
Today, I donated to a charity website. My card was repeatedly refused by the website but when I went on my account, I was charged for each time I tried. I was scammed by a charity. FML
Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked down to the pool, tripped over a stray equipment bag, and belly-flopped into the pool in front of everyone, fully clothed. I'm the coach. FML
Today, I had to explain to my father why it isn't a good idea to shove a metal knife into the toaster when trying to get at a small piece of toast. This man is 45-years-old and has a PhD. FML
Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML
Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML
Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML
Today, I was riding my bike to work in a hurry and hit a pothole. I flew off and hit the ground hard. I was badly shaken, but an old lady came over, checked me out and helped me to my feet. After she left the scene, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet while "helping" me. FML
Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
Today, I had a big figure skating competition. Many of the girls before me fell or did not execute their jumps correctly. Me? I skated a flawless program. I was placed last because they said I didn't push myself hard enough to the point of falling. FML
Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML
Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML
Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML
Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML
Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML
Today, my brother let me fly his two day-old, expensive drone. Within a minute I had crashed it into a potato field. Four hours of searching and we still haven't found it. FML
Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML
Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML
Today, I was visiting my grandmother at her retirement community. Bingo is really popular there and she loves it, so I went thinking it would be a fun activity for us. I won the jackpot and my car got keyed by a group of angry old people. FML
Today, my mother-in-law got her driver's license, despite being prone to fainting, seizures, and being on so much medication that she sometimes forgets where she is. She now wants to drive us to all our family functions, and my father-in-law won't object because he doesn't want to damage her self-esteem. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML
Today, my 5-year-old daughter sobbed inconsolably on my return home from a several-month long deployment to the Middle East. I was touched by her reaction until she blurted out that she wasn't crying because she missed me, but because my shaved head looked scary ugly. FML
Today, I realized that my two year-old likes to help with the groceries. And by help, I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML
Today, my daughter told me she wanted to divorce me. FML
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