Natedawg36

Today, my boyfriend of six days proposed to me. FML

The big time

Today, I found out that my parents spent all of the money in my college fund to pay for my cat to be flown to LA and audition for a movie. FML

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

Today, my mom and I got the answer to the question, "Is our dog really dumb enough to jump out of the window of a moving vehicle?" The answer: Yes. FML

Feedback

Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

Today, I was screamed at by a lady for riding my bike too slowly in front of her car. I was in the bike lane, and so was she. FML

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

D.A.R.E. to say no

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Today, I went to my son's school soccer game. Unfortunately, I couldn't get excited about it because my idiot son kept diving the moment anyone so much as breathed on him. It eventually earned him a penalty shot that won him the game. I was so ashamed, I snuck out to avoid being seen with him. FML

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that once you love somebody you can never truly fall "out of love" with them. She wasn't talking about me, she was talking about her ex. FML

I said WHAT?

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

Lay the blame

Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed afterwards that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

I'm awake

Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special even if for just one day. He said he would do the laundry for me. FML

Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

Don't do this

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

Today, I was syphoning some gas from my truck to my friend's car just enough to get to the gas station. I told my friend to let me know when the gas was coming; he said, "Alright." Suddenly, I got a mouth full of gas because he was on his phone taking a video of me. He got the whole thing. FML

Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML