Monsieur Buffalo
Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML
Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML
Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML
Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML
Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML
Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML
Today, my mother told me she forgot what a verb is. I'm homeschooled, and she's my teacher. FML
Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML
Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with, "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML
Today, I was walking to class, when a kid came up behind me and smacked me in the face a few times until I fell to the ground. I rolled over and he said, "Oh shit! Wrong person, my bad." FML
Today, my friends and I rented a party bus, which broke down on the highway 45 minutes into the ride. I paid the guy for the whole four hours. He said he was going to flag down a car to get someone to help us. We saw him get into a car and leave. FML
Today, I learned no matter how much your friends pressure you, you must never snort lines of curry powder. FML
Today, I convinced my teacher to let me resit a very important test I failed. I got a lower score the second time around. FML
Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML
Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML
Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML
Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML
Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML
Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML
Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML
Today, a nearby volcano erupted for the second time. We were all urged to keep our windows and doors closed in case of ash clouds. My father responded by opening every window and door and shouting, "Come at me, bro!" FML
Today, my friends and I were playing truth or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so they dared me to run naked into my neighbor's yard while yelling, "Help! The pixies took my penis!" I ran screaming right into their big family reunion. FML
Today, my doctor finally prescribed me some medication for my arthritis. The cap was insanely well-secured, and my hands were too racked with pain to get it off. FML
Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML
Today, my fiancé called off our engagement after I contested his belief that women stop having periods after they are married. FML
Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML
Today, it's been two months since I got a kitten. He loves to hide, and then surprise me by jumping out of his hiding place. It was quite a surprise when he launched himself out of my bag during class. FML
Today, my boyfriend of almost six years asked me to move in with him. I assumed he meant that he was finally moving out of his parents' house and had found a place for us to live. No, it turns out he means he wants me to move in with him at his parents' place. FML
Today, I finally got to meet my boyfriend's parents; it turns out that his mum is my therapist. I've just spent an entire morning telling her how confused I am about my sexuality. FML
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