Monsieur Célibataire
Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML
Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been having an affair with my childhood bully. FML
Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML
Today, I realized how much of an invisible artist I am when I got a little excited when someone stole my art. FML
Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML
Today, I went to pick up some pictures I took on a family trip, but the person at the counter said someone else had already picked them up. Now not only am I out $20, some random creep has pictures of me and my whole family. FML
Today, my boyfriend cooked us a romantic dinner using the oven. The oven he recently hid $3,000 in for safekeeping. We essentially just spent thousands of dollars on a casserole. FML
Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML
Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile, I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML
Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML
Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML
Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML
Today, I resorted to buying some expensive flowers and sending them to my boss anonymously with a mysterious love letter, just to get her to lighten the hell up and stop constantly harassing and berating me over every little thing. FML
Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML
Today, my 18 year-old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML
Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML
Today, a bible-toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML
Today, I made some brownies to take over to my dad's place for his party. He started yelling at me when I told him I'd added a special ingredient for taste, demanding to know what I had slipped them. Cinnamon. It was cinnamon. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML
Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML
Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling, "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML
Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML
Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died, but I thought for a few seconds that the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML
Today, I woke up in the elevator of my apartment building in the middle of the night, without my keys, phone, or shoes. Turns out I have been sleepwalking. FML
Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML
Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML
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