Today, I was choking on an apple and asked my sister to get me some water. She got some. Then drank it herself. FML
Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as Nerf darts. FML
Today, my wife stopped mid blowjob because it tasted too clean, like my mint shower gel. FML
Today, while watching TV in my dorm, I clearly heard my roommate yell to someone proudly, "I've only taken a shower 4 or 5 times since I've been here." He's been my roommate for four months. FML
Today, while my boyfriend was fingering me, he accidentally pulled out my NuvaRing, he then licked it off and placed it back inside me. FML
Today, my friend sent me a link to a porn video. The guy in it was my boyfriend, the girl in it wasn't me, but they were in my bed. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I also found out I have an STD. I was clean before we dated. FML
Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML
Today, while studying with the girl I like, I rested my face on my book, pretending to be frustrated. When I lifted my head, I realized I'd left a greasy spot on the page from my nose. She noticed. FML
Today, I learned that if you sing along with an old Frank Sinatra song, the elderly who hear you will want to talk to you about things you have no idea about, for a very long time. FML
Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML
Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML
Today, I got a ticket for driving on the wrong side of the road. It was a one-way street. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. At one point, he started to kiss my ear. Then, he stopped, went into the bathroom, and came out with about four Q-tips. He then said to me, "Just take care of your ears, then I'll continue." FML
Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML
Today, I learned that the gong my job installed less than 30 feet from my desk is being moved, due to noise complaints. To the office building I'm moving to in a few weeks. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML
Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML
Today, I came home after a long day at work to find the furniture in my living room had been rearranged by my mother-in-law. When asked how she got in, she told us she stole my husband's key and made herself a copy. She can now come here whenever she wants, unless I change the locks. FML
Today, I was laying in bed completely naked, uncovered and waiting for my husband to walk in. He laid down in bed and starting playing with his phone instead of. FML
Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML
Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML
Today, I was walking on the street when a woman in front of me dropped a couple of dollars. I picked them up and chased her to return it all. She insisted that it wasn't hers. I tried to tell her it was, but she wouldn't accept it. A cop saw me and arrested me for solicitation. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because I added an old high school friend on Facebook. She claims this person is getting in the middle of our relationship. I haven't talked to him in years, and he lives across the country. FML
Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML
Today I bought the Gold edition to a game for $90. I expected to be very good only to realize it was the same as the previous installment. I went to check the refund policy and it said that I had to have played less than 2 hours, I had 121 minutes. FML
Today, I woke up with a swollen face and have been diagnosed with mumps. Despite having been vaccinated against it. Twice. I have three assignments due next week and I can barely stay awake long enough to type this. FML
My bad, guys.
You can do it!
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