gagealexander

Polite

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let rip a loud fart. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

Today, I was bitten by a therapy dog. FML

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

Pure evil

Today, my sister's kitten walked away from his litter box, jumped onto the table, looked me dead in the eyes, then peed directly onto my laptop. FML

Fleeing the scene

Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

Today, I heard a loud beep for over an hour. It didn't come from my phone or even an alarm of some sort. It was my son pretending to be a smoke alarm. FML

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

Today, I found out the reason why my car has smelled so bad for the past two weeks. It turns out when my sister was bringing in groceries from my car she forgot to grab the raw chicken. FML

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

Today, I found out my mom put breast milk in my cereal until I was 7 years old. FML

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML