McSwoof

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses a period tracker app to find out when we can fuck. FML

Good boy

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up, I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML