iam2fat4u

Talk to me baby

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

Directions

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

Is it true?

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend asked me out is because he thought I "looked like a girl who'd be into anal". FML

Big deal

Today, I had a talk with my daughter about how I hope her first boyfriend is a special one because 'spending the night' with a boy is a big deal. She replied with a giggle, "Mom, I lost my virginity in a parking lot three years ago!" FML

Inappropriate

Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

Not that there's anything wrong with that

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

Today, I had RA training and we were doing mock situations. During one of these, I had a seizure. Everyone thought it was fake, until I started violently throwing up. FML

Don't look!

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

Today, I lay in bed reflecting on my fiancé's complaint about my lack of displays of affection. I felt terrible, so I rolled over and hugged him in his sleep. He's a fully trained martial artist and his immediate reaction was to try to snap my neck. FML