Yudith_fml

Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the Bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML

Today, I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. I felt something get caught in my throat so I coughed and spluttered a bit. When I turned on the lights I discovered I'd coughed up a cockroach. FML

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. FML

Today, someone started an event on Facebook for tomorrow called Kick A Ginger Day. Over 300 people are attending. There are only two redheads in my school, and I'm one of them. FML

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

Today, I spent my remaining cash on a doctor's visit, only to find out that at the age of 22, I'm getting major health problems brought on by stress. I came home to relax, only to find out my roommate can't pay his rent, and needs me to cover for him so we don't get evicted. FML

Today, I was fired. My boss told me via email that it was because I "don't have enough experience with fun spiritual." Uh, what? FML

False economy

Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

Self own

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her, "Get the fuck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

Going medieval

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

Bizarre Love Triangle

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

Cravings

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

High hopes

Today, I ran into one of my teachers from high school. When I told her I'd just recently graduated college and was starting graduate school in the fall, she said, "You don't have to lie, some people just aren't cut out for college. There's no shame." I wasn't lying, I graduated with honors too. FML

Alexa, play "****** Addict" by Buzzcocks

Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML

Protips

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML