Today, I found out my husband had bought my one year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML
Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML
Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy, and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML
Today, I went to get a pedicure for the first time. My feet are VERY ticklish. I reflexively kicked the poor lady in the face, as I wet my pants. FML
Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML
Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML
Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML
Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML
Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML
Today, I needed new business cards so I went to design and print some. After I designed, I was happy with them and printed off 100 copies. I live at a place called Canal Rocks. I forgot the 'C'. I now have 76 business cards which say 'anal rocks.' I already distributed 24. FML
Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML
Today, I went out to eat dinner with my family to celebrate my 18th birthday. I playfully put 3 straws between my knuckles to make myself look like Wolverine. I turned to my 6 year old nephew and asked, "Who am I?" He then replied, "An idiot." FML
Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML
Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back, then I hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML
Today, I had a party at my house. When my parents came home, my dad asked how the party was. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, to which he responded, "Well, the puke all over the driveway begs to differ." FML
Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML
Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML
Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML
Today, at work, I was putting away clothes in the Men's department, when a guy came and started shopping in the aisle in front of me. He kept staring at me non-stop. Getting fed up, I said "What are you staring at?" Turns out he was wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head. FML
Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML
Today, whilst on a date I recieved my sixth missed call from my mother. I excused myself and went outside and called her, she and my father wanted to know why I was having dinner and holding hands with another man. It turns out they were also on a date. At the same place. FML
Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML
Today, a customer came in who only spoke Spanish. I speak Spanish rather well so I helped the customer. She ended up buying $2300 worth of stuff. I got written up because not speaking English apparently "has the potential be offensive to other customers if they are not able to understand you." FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML
Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML
Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML
Today, I was using a Kodak Picture Maker in Walmart. I needed help using the machine so the lady that works there came over and tried to load my pictures. I heard some snickering behind me from the people in line. Turns out the pictures loaded. Even the nude ones I forgot about. FML
Today, I was trying to turn on my computer and couldn't. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what was wrong when I finally called my husband for help and made him leave work. He came in, looked at the wall, and plugged it back in. The look on his face said it all. FML
Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML
Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML
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