Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML
Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML
Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked down to the pool, tripped over a stray equipment bag, and belly-flopped into the pool in front of everyone, fully clothed. I'm the coach. FML
Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML
Today, I won a goldfish at the amusement park. My little brother took him out of the bowl because he thought he was drowning. FML
Today, I had a one-night stand. After holding in my farts all night, as you should, I decided enough was enough and tried to calmly let one slip out. One did not calmly slip out; instead I shat myself in her bed. I was naked at the time, so was unable to hide it. FML
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