Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML
Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML
Today, I almost died. My friends dragged me unconcious, hypothermic and half-drowned out of the sea. A helicopter took me to the hospital where they brought me back to life. My family's reaction? "You aren't dying so we don't have to come to the hospital." They wouldn't even bring me clothes. FML
Today, I opened the cupboard and a bag of flour fell on my head, covering me from head to toe. Last night I got drunk, and set some booby traps up around the house for my roommate. I'd forgot that my roommate moved out a week ago. FML
Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML
Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML
Today, my dick of a roommate was moving out. She didn't actually tell us she was moving out and took the wifi, modem and all, while my other roommate was on a Skype call and I was watching a show. All with no warning. It's Saturday, I have an online assignment due Sunday. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML
Today, while I was taking a shower, my boyfriend came into the bathroom to ask me a question. When I got out of the shower, I was greeted with a horrifying cutout of Michael Jackson. I fell backwards, shattering the glass shower door. I needed stitches. FML
Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang. I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML
Today, after not going out in over a year, I finally agreed to go out with some friends. I had a lot of fun and was very happy, up until when I was on my way back home and I noticed my car's sunroof had been stolen. FML
Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML
Today, my boyfriend moved in with me. I just walked into my kitchen to find my thirty year-old, perfectly seasoned cast iron skillet completely submerged in soapy water in the sink, presumably from last night when he washed the dishes. FML
Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML
Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML
Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away, and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML
Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML
Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML
Today, I started a new job. After being trained on several obscure computer programs I'm expected to use in just one day, my new boss informed me she's going on a week long vacation starting tomorrow. She's the only other person who knows how this program runs. FML
Today, after weeks of debating with myself, I finally got the courage to ask out my best friend of 9 years. She turned me down, saying that dating me would be like adopting a puppy, and she doesn't want that kind of responsibility. FML
Today, I confronted my husband about a pair of panties I found in his office. They're his. He put them on to show me that they fit. FML
Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML
Today, after being told numerous times how sexist the East Coast is, I went ahead with my East Coast grad school architecture interview. The first thing out of the interviewer's mouth was, "Are you sure you don't want to do interior architecture?" FML
Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML
Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML
Today, in the current company I'm employed by, I have a better chance at gambling my way to the top, as opposed to working my way up. FML
Today, I accidentally forwarded a link to a weird fart porn video to my chat group. They've been silent for 30 minutes now. FML
Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML
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