Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML
Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML
Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML
Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML
Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML
Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning girl reading. I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter. She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled. After that, she left. It was a sex position book. FML
Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML
Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked if I could grow out my pubic hair since I usually wax it. He said his mom has a full bush and he always thought it looks better that way. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, I read a seemingly serious article online about giving your smartphone some extra charge by putting it in the microwave for one minute. My phone is now fried. FML
Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML
Today, a customer kept harassing me and threatening to sue me for all I'm worth because I wouldn't give her a free refill. Her reasoning was that it's "illegal" to deny people a free refill if there's still a little drink left in the cup. FML
Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some Lean Pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML
Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML
Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML
Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML
Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML
Today, my family and I were having turkey for dinner. My boyfriend leaned in towards me and muttered, "I'll stuff your turkey later". Everyone heard and the whole room went dead silent. FML
Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. FML
Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML
Today, I opened up a Snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML
Today, I was on a date, when I suddenly choked on my own saliva and coughed so hard that I passed out. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my mom cheating on my step-dad with my real dad. FML
Today, at my job at a fast-food restaurant, I once again got called into the men's bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people. FML
Today, I was hit in the face by the placenta of a cow that had just given birth. FML
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