Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML
Today, while at work, a customer, who was also on his phone, rudely asked what kinds of bread we had for his sandwich. After I told him we had many different kinds to offer, he cut me off, told me to stop playing stupid, and stormed out after holding up a long line of people. FML
Today, while lifeguarding over children at work, I started thinking about my girlfriend and got a hard on. Before I realized it, I saved a kid and then hopped out of the pool next to a 5 year old in front of my managers and a little over 50 patrons with a raging boner. My HR meeting is tomorrow. FML
Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML
Today, my friend got pulled over. The cops searched the car and found a bong among the stuff we were moving to her new house. When they confronted her with it, she told them it must be mine, and that she'd never seen it before. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom died when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered "Women drivers." FML
Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML
Today, my 5-year-old won't stop princess-waving at people. This would be fine, but she looks exactly like she is giving the Nazi salute. I got dirty looks from nearly everyone at the supermarket. FML
Today, I was at work at a supermarket straightening shelves in the food aisles. Just as I had finished and got ready to clock out, I heard a giant crash. A lady in a motor scooter knocked over an entire aisle of canned goods. She got up and walked away just fine, pretending nothing happened. FML
Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML
Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML
Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML
Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML
Today, while walking alone through a sketchy neighbourhood after a party, I learned that I look too broke to even rob and "not worth the bother". Overhead from a guy waiting for me in a bush with a flashlight and his equally charming friend. FML
Today, my co-worker handed me the phone and said it was my boyfriend calling, so I answered "Hello, Love!" It was my boss. FML
Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML
Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML
Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML
Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML
Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML
Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML
Today, my wife accused me of cheating. Why? Because I recently started working out, and according to her, no married man tries to improve his physique unless he's trying to look good for other women. FML
Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tased. FML
Today, I came home from a stay at my girlfriend's place. My little brother stepped on my bag and accidentally switched my vibrator on. I told him the buzzing sound was my electric toothbrush. He went to the bathroom and came back with the toothbrush. He won't stop asking what's in my bag. FML
Today, even after explaining to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about my breasts because they're slightly misshaped, he still persisted with begging me for a tit pic, saying he would still see me as beautiful. I gave in and sent one. He responded with "LOL WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSEE." FML
Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month-old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML
Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML
Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML
Today, I spent an hour trying to sleep before work, but I couldn't because my two dogs wouldn't stop barking. Completely pissed off, I finally went and told the little fuck nuggets to shut the shit up. I was then immediately knocked unconscious by the burglar in my house. FML
Today, I took a phone call in the bathroom, since the rest of the house was too noisy. I sat down on the toilet and waited while they put me on hold. After a while, I must have forgotten the lid was down and my pants were still on, because I started peeing myself. FML
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