Mademoiselle Montréal, Canada
Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML
Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child-sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML
Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML
Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML
Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML
Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit, so I explained to him how to take care of it. When I'd finished listing all the things he'd have to do, he replied, "That's too complicated... Couldn't we just eat it instead?" FML
Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4 a.m. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML
Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML
Today, while lifeguarding, I slipped and fell from my chair and onto the cement. Embarrassed and actually quite hurt, I tried to climb back up to the chair, but it tipped. I fell half onto the cement half into the pool, just before the chair landed on top of me. FML
Today, I took my son to lunch. After we ate, the waitress came over and told me that my son was the most well-behaved child they had ever had there. His response was to pull his pants down and moon the entire restaurant while smacking his bottom. FML
Today, at my job at a fast-food restaurant, I once again got called into the men's bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people. FML
Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML
Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML
Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML
Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML
Today, after my bosses excitedly told me I'm getting promoted to customer service at our grocery store, a customer called me an idiot in the parking lot for accidentally backing into the shopping cart she left in my blind spot. So it begins… FML
Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML
Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML
Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML
Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML
Today, I was at a bar, when a heavily drunk guy came up to me and slurred "Fuucckkk lady, your face... not even with beer goggles!" FML
Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML
Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML
Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML
Today, my neighbor threatened to call the cops if I didn't turn the volume down on my porno. I was only watching women's tennis. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML
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