Mademoiselle Montréal, Canada
Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML
Today, I went to the home of a guy I was talking to on Tinder to hook up. His wife answered the door and invited me in. She wanted to watch. FML
Today, my mom asked me to take my dad's mail to him. The "mail" was divorce papers. FML
Today, after recently celebrating our third wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say, "I do." I'm now married to my step-brother. FML
Today, a woman messaged me on a dating app to tell me that I was ugly, and that I shouldn't be allowed on the site. FML
Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML
Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML
Today, I watched my fiancé ride off on my motorcycle with another girl. FML
Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML
Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML
Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML
Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML
Today, I finally broke down and paid someone to clean my condo. Sometime after she finished, my cat threw up. Then my roomba went off, smearing regurgitated mackerel all over the freshly washed floors. There goes $150. FML
Today, I finally met the cute guy that I've been talking to for the last 3 weeks. Turns out "5'8"" was a really big exaggeration for "5"3' in boots'. FML
Today, while eating in a Mexican restaurant, I asked the waitperson how the drink my husband ordered was pronounced in Spanish. She replied, "Vodka Martini." FML
Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML
Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML
Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML
Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML
Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML
Today, I overheard my parents arguing over who had to tell me that I'm adopted. FML
Today, I found out my parents never naturalized me. I'm adopted from a country I've never been to, and now I could be deported there. FML
Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML
Today, a month after getting a big promotion, I found out that I'm stuck with my old job. No one wants to take my old position, so they are vacating my new one and will post it, because, "This one is more desirable, and your's is shit." FML
Today, I haven't been able to sleep for two nights due to cows mooing loudly somewhere nearby. I recently left the country to stay in the city. Which apparently has a higher cow population than my country home. FML
Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML
Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML
Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML
Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how it looks every day. FML
Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor, then followed up with, "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML
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