Brilliant66star

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

Today, I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I didn't get it from drinking, but rather from puking 6 times off the side of a fishing boat. Fishing was the one thing my husband wanted to do while on vacation, even though I'm 3 months pregnant and have a bad stomach. FML

Great idea for a prank

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

Today, I was on a second date with a guy. Things got a little handsy and he pulled down his pants to reveal a micro-penis. He then smiled and asked me to be his girlfriend. FML

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

Today, my boss ordered me to read the Twilight series in order to determine if they are "appropriate" for his daughter to read. I'm a 25-year-old bank teller, and I definitely don't remember this in my job description. FML

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

Today, I learned that marriage isn't all roses and sunshine. Instead, it's digging an infected ingrown hair out of your husband's ass cheek because he can't reach it himself. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text, right after I finished cleaning his apartment and dropping off a bunch of booze I bought for a big party we were having. It turns out that big party was his "newly single" party. FML

Slight hiccup

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggested she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill herself because of her severe medical condition." FML

Today, my 3-year-old girl accidentally caught sight of me stepping out of the shower. Now she thinks "daddy has a tail" and she just has to let everyone know about it. FML

Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

Today, I had to take a drug test for my new job, which I desperately need and which took me over a year to land. I got a shy bladder and couldn't pee. They marked me as non-compliant and revoked the job offer. FML

Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

Today, my drunk boyfriend flipped out and told me I was a total control freak, and that he couldn't handle how weird and clingy I am. All I did was ask if his phone was charged. FML

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

Friday, baby!

Today, I tried inviting the girl I like out to dinner. She replied, "Sorry, I already have plans." I asked her what they were, and she said, "I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something." FML

Today, a strong storm knocked the power out at our office. I was dismissed five hours early, had my desk locked up and was walking toward the doors to leave when the power came back on. FML

Today, I put in my two-week notice. My boss responded by saying, "Okie dokie" and hanging up. Guess they were glad to be rid of me. FML

The proposal

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walked over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar, along with a note that said "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML