Monsieur Fleischmanns, United States 36 ans Célibataire
Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
Today, I was with my girlfriend at lunch when a group of guys came over. They started calling her a whore and a bunch of other shit, so I cussed them out. Turns out she was not only cheating on me, but all the other guys too. FML
Today, my boyfriend cooked us a romantic dinner using the oven. The oven he recently hid $3,000 in for safekeeping. We essentially just spent thousands of dollars on a casserole. FML
Today, I had finally summoned the courage to break up with my boyfriend, something I've needed to do for a long time. Right before my speech, he presented me with tickets to my favorite band a month from now. FML
Today, I tried to be nice and let a homeless man have a place to crash for the night. He repaid me by pissing all over my new couch. FML
Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML
Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML
Today, I got fired from my nannying job because one of the mom's several boyfriends mentioned that he found me attractive. FML
Today, my daughter's 14-year-old boyfriend confessed, in front of her, that he only went out with her so he might have a chance to date me. My daughter isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, my ex came out as transgender. I had absolutely no problem with this, in fact I celebrated her bravery. What I did have a problem with was all my friends immediately assuming that this was the reason I broke up with her, and not that she'd cheated on me for six months. FML
Today, I came across the word "pegging". Not knowing what it meant, I googled it and got a very graphic explanation. Seconds later, I realised that the webpage URL actually included the sexual nature of the meaning. The IT department have logs of every page we visit. FML
Today, my boss told me I have to start work 4 hours early tomorrow, because that my coworker, who happens to be his son, will not be coming in because he's "too tired". I work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week without complaining. His son works two 4-hour shifts a week. FML
Today, I was waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru and listening to some music. I was tapping my non-driving foot to the song when I accidentally tapped the wrong foot and rear ended the cop car in front of me. Whoops. FML
Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML
Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML
Today, my long-term girlfriend broke up with me because my hair "falls out" and I "will definitely be bald soon", even though it's not that bad. The same girl who I supported through her chemotherapy and gave her promises that I would stay with her no matter how she looked. FML
Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy." I was too ashamed to say I wasn't pregnant, so I just took the seat. FML
Today, my boss had a breakdown and sent me home early. Apparently my voice reminds him of his abusive stepfather. He said I'm lucky he's on medication. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML
Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML
Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML
Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML
Today, as my brother parked in our hotel's parking lot, I told him to be careful because the car wasn't straight. He retorted, "Yeah, just like you". My mother was in the back seat and heard everything. I hadn't come out yet. FML
Today, I finally found out why my graphics card in my PC had been overheating recently. My brother disconnected the card's fan because it was too loud when he was gaming. I guess I can always spend another $750. FML
Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML
Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML
Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML
Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML
Today, I walked my girlfriend home. As I kissed her goodbye, I heard a high-pitched scream and turned just in time to see her little brother charge head-first into my nuts. All because I kissed her on the cheek. FML
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