Monsieur Fleischmanns, United States 36 ans Célibataire
Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML
Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML
Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML
Today, I was hit with a sudden onset of diarrhea and had to use the washroom on the train. As soon as I pulled down my pants, my worst nightmare came true, as someone opened the door and exposed me to the other passengers. FML
Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML
Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML
Today, my boyfriend has chipped his front teeth for the third time in 2 months. After refusing to tell me how this keeps on happening, I walked in on him throwing his phone in the air and trying to catch it in his mouth. FML
Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML
Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said, "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded, "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML
Today, I flew across country to college. My luggage did not. FML
Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML
Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML
Today, my date ditched me and showed up with another guy at the same restaurant. She even tried to take the reservation. FML
Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend wiping his nose with his hand and then using the snot to gel back his hair. FML
Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML
Today, we spent an entire day without being able to do work because our internet connection was down. Turns out, only the router had crashed and nobody bothered to reset it "to avoid doing further damage". FML
Today, after a solid month of hard work, I finally finished modeling and animating a 3D insect character for a scene. After presenting it to the rest of my team, one of my teammates pointed out that it looks exactly like a flying penis. FML
Today, my psychotic, very jealous ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and punched a male store clerk who was helping me look for azaleas in a garden center. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were planning on having sex. He first excused himself to the bathroom, then returned with a sad face saying he had fumbled with himself in the bathroom to get "ready" and accidentally came. He said, "I was thinking of you though." FML
Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML
Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML
Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML
Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML
Today, I went to the police station to find out if the tint on my new car's windshield was too dark. The officer took one look, told me that windshield tints are illegal in California, and ticketed me. So much for being honest. FML
Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML
Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML
Today, my son asked for my help with a personal matter. I was flattered that he trusted me, since he's a paranoid, untrusting psycho. Turned out he wanted to use my locksmith skills to break into his ex's house and "teach her a lesson" for breaking up with him after he cheated on her. FML
Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML
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