Zackmac

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

Nervous

Today, I realized how truly insecure I really am when the guy in the show I was watching looked straight into the camera and I immediately looked away. FML

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

WTC WTF?

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML

Today, I sat in on a university-level physics lecture, listening to my hyped-up co-students approximating the hypothetical situation of the Sun consisting of gerbils. The conversation then continued towards how much better energy/mass ratio the gerbil-sun would have compared to the actual star. FML

Today, I was checking out of a hotel when I saw some complementary mints. They weren't mints. They were glass beads. FML

Today, my eight-year-old brother told his classmates that I have cancer. Nope, just really bad acne. FML

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

Play stupid games…

Today, my boyfriend has chipped his front teeth for the third time in 2 months. After refusing to tell me how this keeps on happening, I walked in on him throwing his phone in the air and trying to catch it in his mouth. FML

Today, I looked up my childhood bully on Facebook, hoping she'd gone fat and ugly. Turns out she's drop-dead gorgeous and very successful. FML

Chancer

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

Today, coming home from a trip in the mountains, I got a cracked radiator and my car overheated. My dad came to get me, he drove my car and I followed in his. I got pulled over and ticketed for his expired registration. FML

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

Trading places

Today, my date ditched me and showed up with another guy at the same restaurant. She even tried to take the reservation. FML

Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML

Today, my psychotic, very jealous ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and punched a male store clerk who was helping me look for azaleas in a garden center. FML

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

Tuck in

Today, I was told by my doctor I should start eating meat again after two years of vegetarianism, in an effort to be healthier. After horrid gas after my first turkey sandwich, I was told that my body no longer has the enzymes to digest meat. My efforts to be healthy crippled my stomach. FML

Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

What ARE you doing?

Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML

Dodged my bullet

Today, I went to see a movie with the girl I've liked for months. After the commercials, she told me she had to go to the ladies room. She never came back. FML

Today, my ex told me he broke up with me because he loved me, and that he was afraid of the commitment. He's living with his new girlfriend now. FML

Today, I am contemplating ending my relationship of 6 years. My boyfriend is too busy playing with a plastic guitar to listen. FML

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

TMI Mom

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML