clingoni

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

Today, my Breaking Bad-obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks" during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML

It's a trap

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML