Efilyn

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

Today, my best friend, with whom I have been in love for years, kissed me, hugged me, held my hand, hooked up with me and told me that he loved me more than anything and wanted to be with me... until he sobered up and his girlfriend got back to town. FML

Unfair

Today, my boss fired me for being on Facebook at work. He did it via a wall post on Facebook saying, "ur fired." Six of my friends liked this. FML

Today, I attended the wrong funeral. I spent twenty minutes trying to hide and walk away without being too conspicuous. FML

It's sus to us

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

Today, I made plans with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. We agreed to meet at a diner and I told him I'd be standing outside. I watched him pull up, look right at me, then do something with his phone. Seconds later, I got a text saying, "Sorry, but I'm busy today and can't make it." FML

Nice try

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

Today, I decided to do a word search in my daughter's Hello Kitty coloring book. It took me 30 minutes to find 6 words in a kids coloring book for ages 1 and up. FML

Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML

Mucho sexy

Today, I discovered that I have dandruff, which I've never had before. I googled the possible reasons, some being depression and hormones. Not only have I not had sex for a year, but it's also the reason I have dandruff. And apparently I'm depressed. How sexy is that? FML

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

Compassion? Pah!

Today, my boyfriend woke up to me crying. He asked what was wrong, but before I could answer, he'd already rolled over and started snoring louder than ever, making the migraine I was crying about even worse. FML

Testing testing, one two one two

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax, my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

Today, I found my mother in tears, so I asked her what was wrong. She told me, "It's your father, he wants a divorce..." I asked if he'd met another woman, and my mom replied "No, not a woman..." FML

Today, my husband decided to imitate Borat and shout "Very Nice! I Excite!" while having sex. He's also decided that it was ingenious and does it every single time, the entire time. FML

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

Handy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

Demon

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy. It was going great until his 6-year-old brother walked in and screamed so loudly it brought both of his parents running. FML

Today, I overheard a little girl ask her mom if the round lady in purple was pretending to be a giant eggplant. I was the lady in purple. FML

Can't win

Today, I came down with painful sores in my mouth, just after having gotten over a cold. Apparently I'm allergic to the cough drops I've been eating for the past week to make myself feel better. FML