Efilyn

Today, I heard on a local radio a song I wrote almost 2 years ago. Apparently, after my family and I moved away, my former band found a new guitar player, and that song is now the first single of their debut LP. FML

About last night…

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

Today, I went to the drive-through and ordered 5 cheeseburgers. I told the cashier that some of them were for my girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend, and I ate all of them by myself. FML

Nooooooo!

Today, I heard my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't in the same hotel room. They thought I was asleep. FML

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

Today, I found out I sleepwalk. How you might ask? By awakening the moment just before I fell from the stairs. I was better off sleeping. FML

Today, I wanted to punish a student for being late. I decided to start a pop quiz before he arrived. I was positive there wasn't enough time for him to finish. He scored full marks and I couldn't say a word. FML

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

Today, I went shopping with my Mom. I ran into my crush. A school dance is soon and he WAS just about to ask something but my mom glanced over and yelled "TAMPONS OR PADS, SWEETIE?!" He then changed his question to "Haha, so which?" And before I could say a word, my mother answered for me. FML

It's a trap!

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year-old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she'd said "buried." FML

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

That's not how that works

Today, I was at work and was confronted by a customer wanting to get a "Nemo" fish. I explained that 'Nemo' needs to live in saltwater, not freshwater, like their tank was. The customer then turns around and grabs a perforated tank divider and says, "Can't I just split them up with this?" FML

Today, I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. FML

Today, I dropped my iPod Touch underneath concrete slab steps, and it's physically impossible to get it back. If you stand above where the iPod is, you can still hear it play music. It's like it's mocking me. FML

Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML

Lose-lose

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

Today, I bought a new iPod to replace my old one which decided to stop working. After purchasing my new nano iPod, I decided to bang my old iPod on the desk very hard because it was useless. It started working again. FML

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

I don't get paid enough for this

Today, I was at work on a smoke break. I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2 a.m. Some old man pulled in and asked me if I would like to join him for some dinner. I said no, and told him I was working. He replied, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. FML

What's wrong with me?

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said, "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

Gross

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML

Funnel

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML