NoWeeniesAllowed

Today, I agreed to anal with my boyfriend, which he was happy about, until I told him in the interest of fair play he also had to let me fuck him with a strap on. It didn't take him very long to suddenly decide anal is disgusting, with all kinds of health risks. And he thinks he's the smart one. FML

Hardly getting used to it

Today, I shared with my doctor that I still feel uncomfortable with my medication. She expressed surprise, saying, "Really? By now I would've thought it'd be routine." Sorry, no. In three months, I have not gotten used to sticking a syringe up my butt and injecting my rectum full of medicated foam. FML

Today, a long standing fantasy was ruined when the only lasting impression from my first threesome was of how good my boyfriend is at giving other guys a blowjob. FML

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and my brother reacted by snorting and calling me a "cuck". Apparently offering your girlfriend a drink means you're being cuckolded now. God, I hope he was adopted. FML

Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

Pish yerself

Today, I was on a long road trip with my son. He had to pee, and told him he had to wait till I could stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML

Today, at the doctor's, I dropped my pants and the attractive nurse assured me it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to my penis, she was, in fact referring to the huge haemorrhoid hanging out of my asshole. FML

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

Weirdo

Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

Today, after getting fired, I went home only to find my boss sitting my living room. Apparently, he and my mom had been dating for months and he felt compelled to let me go because it was a "conflict of interest". FML

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

Today, while drilling holes in "No Smoking" signs for my job, I gave myself a minor cut that would appear to most as a papercut. I then had to fill out 3 double-sided pages of paperwork. FML

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

Today, my sister played a prank by pretending to break into my house. I ended up nailing her in the chest with my baseball bat. Now all of my family is bitching and wants me to pay the medical bills. FML

Not a morning person at the best of times

Today, my doorbell rang while I was still in bed. I leapt out and immediately got a severe cramp in one leg, then, staggering around trying to throw some clothes on, I scraped the other leg badly enough to draw blood. When I got to the door there was nobody there, just a parcel on the doorstep. FML

Pissed

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML