Mademoiselle Hell, USA 27 ans
Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML
Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML
Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My boss's daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much that she made an offer on the house. We were one week away from making an offer. FML
Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML
Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, and I grabbed onto a fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML
Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML
Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I have an extra key. I snuck into his bed with sleep with him and noticed how soft his skin was. Turns out I had been feeling up the girl he was sleeping with and he was in the bathroom. FML
Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML
Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML
Today, I was at a stop light when I saw a cute police officer at the light across the intersection. Trying to be cute as I drove by, I turned and winked and waved. The car in front of me stopped, I rear-ended them, and then I got rear-ended. The cute cop winked back, then wrote me a ticket. FML
Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML
Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML
Today, I finally received a paycheck for the first time in six months. I celebrated by promptly falling down a flight of stairs and losing consciousness. FML
Today, I pulled over to help an attractive girl on the highway in the middle of nowhere. When I asked if she needed help she told me she was going to try starting her car one more time. She then started to make fake engine noises and told me that she was good to go and that I should be on my way. FML
Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML
Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML
Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfriend of nine months. She was making a lot of noise, so I told her to keep it down, and reminded her that my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later, I got a text from my sister, saying my parents wanted to make sure I was wearing a condom. FML
Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted me to sleep over at his house. Then he found out that it was that time of the month for me, so he told me that he had to work this weekend and said "see you sometime next week." He doesn't have a job. FML
Today, while out for our romantic Valentine's dinner, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years told me that he believes in females being subservient, that I'm not allowed to have opinions anymore, that he is "the alpha dog" and I'm merely the "beta dog", and that I have to "get used to it." FML
Today, I went to throw out the garbage outside. I noticed at the bottom of my can was a lot of rice. I was angry at my brother for making a mess. As I went to clean it up, the rice moved. It wasn't rice, it was maggots. FML
Today, the soon-to-be father of my baby told me he thinks I'm an extremely selfish person, and that I don't love him. His reasoning? I haven't given him a back rub in two weeks, sleep too much, and have a hormonal problem. Once again: I AM PREGNANT! FML
Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML
Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML
Today, my parents told me that I was born to entertain my brother. I have found the meaning of life. FML
Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML
Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML
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