Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her new clothes. She's gone from a size 4 to a size 12 during our relationship. FML
Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML
Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML
Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste." Gag me. FML
Today, my virginal girlfriend of a year graduated from veterinary school. She can shove her arm shoulder-deep up a cow's ass without blinking, but still feels too insecure to even touch my penis. FML
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