cwl727

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

Waste of time

Today, at around 11 p.m., the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

Today, my stepdaughter called to say hello and to give me a warning: she will do whatever it takes to keep me from having a baby with her dad, including pushing me down the stairs. I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and we were going to tell her this weekend. I'm now petrified of a 10-year-old. FML

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

Today, for the second time, I met the man I'm having an arranged marriage with in 3 months. I'd previously met him last night, while he was mugging me. FML

Sweet relief

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

Dad jokes

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

Nice try, Mom

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

Toilet training

Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML

Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

Today, I got yelled at and called a pedo by a mother after I sat down in a swing next to her daughter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I'm a 20 year old who really does enjoy swinging in my spare time. FML

Awww Sweaty, don't worry

Today, my boyfriend called me, panicking. Apparently he had a headache, but wasn't concentrating on what tablets he grabbed, and accidentally took tablets for "relief of period pain". He was convinced he was going to grow ovaries overnight. FML

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML

What's up doc?

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

Is this part of the test?

Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML

Today, my house got broken into. They just made a mess. I saw a note on the kitchen table that read, "There's nothing good here. You have shitty stuff." FML