Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML
Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss's new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off." She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML
Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML
Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML
Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run…" then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML
Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML
Today, my mom got me a Christmas present. Since I'm a whovian, she thought it would be cool to get me what she thought was a sonic screwdriver. It was actually a dildo shaped as one. I opened the gift in front of my entire family. FML
Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML
Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML
Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML
Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he said, "Heaviest in back." FML
Today, my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. FML
Today, during gym class, my teacher insisted that everyone should relieve some stress by throwing a basketball at the wall. I wound up and hurled the thing at the wall, it bounced back and hit me in the stomach. I began to vomit uncontrollably. Even my teacher laughed. FML
Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML
Today, I had a date with a girl at a fancy restaurant. In the middle of it she says, "Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom." I watched her get up, walk over to the door, leave, get in her car, and drive away. FML
Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML
Today, I told my parents I no longer believe in the religion they strictly raised me under. They responded by kicking me out of the house. I'm broke, jobless, and the only person that will take me in is my psycho ex-girlfriend who never got over me. FML
Today, while at my friend's house, I decided to climb up on a shelf and pounce on him when he came back downstairs. When I heard someone coming, I assumed it was him and pounced. It was his grandma carrying the laundry. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML
Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, chocolate, and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML
Today, I was fired for the second time in as many days. I received a letter notifying me that I would no longer be working for the company, effective immediately. When I did not attend work the next day, I received a phone call firing me for not turning up. FML
Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were in the shower, we began to get a bit frisky. That was until I lifted my arms and he immediately made one of his "Chewbacca Calls." He was referring to my armpits that I had forgotten to shave. FML
Today, I tried to convince my daughter that the "To boldly go where no man has gone before" speech is from Star Trek, and is not an actual historical speech by the first man on the moon. She has decided to include it in her university essay on Neil Armstrong anyway. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to throw pebbles at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. It triggered the burglar alarm, which woke up everyone in the house. If my parents didn't know I had a boyfriend before, they certainly do now. FML
Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. I've been secretly taking Welsh lessons as a surprise for him, so when I was getting close, I whispered the Welsh for "Don't stop." He pulled out and accused me of cheating on him with his best friend. He won't believe anything else. FML
Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML
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