Today, I brought several bags of soda cans to the store to cash in. I hadn't shaved, and my coat had fur all over from my cat rubbing on it. The lady in front of me turned around, looked at my bags and me and said, "It's a lot of money people throw away, isn't it?" Apparently, I look homeless. FML
Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML
Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when a little old lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML
Today, I had my headphones on while on the bus. I didn't realize how loud the music was till the woman sitting next to me punched me for changing her favorite song and then "ignoring her" when she asked me to put it back. FML
Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML
Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML
Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML
Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card, even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a homewrecker. FML
Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML
Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, "Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don't you?" My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML
Today, I took a picture in front of my bathroom mirror and posted it on Facebook. When I checked it later, it had 20 comments on the picture. I was feeling good until I read the comments and looked at the picture again. I'd left my vibrator on the the bathroom counter. FML
Today, I got all my wisdom teeth out. Have you ever thrown up after mouth surgery? Stomach acid in your bloody gum holes is just as fun as it sounds. FML
Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML
Today, my wife told me she was pregnant. I don't remember having sex since last year. FML
Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML
Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML
Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML
Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Halfway through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML
Today, at my wedding, my husband's drunk friend admitted that the only reason my husband and I started dating was because he was dared. FML
Today, before I went into surgery, the patient next to me just finished the same procedure I was going to get. As he woke up in the recovery area 10 feet away, I was getting my final prep before the operation. On my way into the operating room I was comforted by his screams of agonizing pain. FML
Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML
Today, I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "Happy birthday!" before they left. FML
Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML
Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML
Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML
Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML
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