Madame 35 ans En couple
Today, I texted my boyfriend, and he pretended he was a Burger King employee who found a lost phone, just so that he wouldn't have to talk to me. FML
Today, I heard my neighbors having a violent argument in their front yard. I listened in, and soon found out why the wife wasn't happy with her husband. Apparently, she had caught her husband peeking through my windows for the second time this month. FML
Today, my wife yelled at me for admitting I take my wedding ring off at work. I explained that I work in a chemistry lab and don't want to damage it. She laughed and said, "Oh please, that chemistry stuff is nonsense anyway." All while reading her horoscope. FML
Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML
Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML
Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML
Today, I went on a field trip with some people from school. I'm currently confined to a wheelchair, so I had to rely on my sister to get around. She eventually went off with her friends, assuming that the people nearby would keep me company. Five minutes later, they'd all left me. FML
Today, I had to go to my daughter's school because she hasn't been going to class. Her teacher seemed surprised to see me with my husband when we arrived. Apparently I "died" recently and my daughter has had extra responsibility around the house, hence why she doesn't come to class. FML
Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML
Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML
Today, I was yet again asked to show my hall pass. I'm 23 and work at a middle school. I've worked here for the last five months, so not only do I look 13 years old, I'm also not memorable enough for my own coworkers to recognize me. FML
Today, my mother insisted I dress very smartly in suit attire for my first job interview at a hippy-style retail store. My interviewer wore a poncho. I didn't get the job. FML
Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML
Today, I felt frisky, so I did my hair and put on make-up and some lingerie. I walked into the living room, where my husband was playing a video game. He glanced up, said, "Oh, for fuck's sake." and made me wait nearly 15 minutes for him to reach a save-game point. FML
Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML
Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML
Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML
Today, I turned 35. Because I'm still single, my sister bought me a cat to help start my "inevitable collection." FML
Today, I was singing horribly in the shower. Without me knowing, my sister recorded my singing and set it as my ringtone. My phone rang in class and everyone heard it. My new nickname is American Idol. FML
Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML
Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook, as she didn't like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML
Today, I came home at 1 am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML
Today, I went out and met somebody. We got talking and we both realized we are each the ideal romantic partner for the other. The only problem is we are both straight men. FML
Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML
Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old daughter holding a lit lighter to the underside of a spoon, which was full of baking powder. She was trying to breathe in the fumes to get high, and later confessed that she thought it's how heroin is made and used. FML
Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML
Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house at 9am to surprise him on our 1 year anniversary. In the process, I gatecrashed another celebration he was having with his second girlfriend. FML
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, my friends and I went camping in the woods. I fell asleep first. Waking up hours later to them bunched up together in the middle of the tent and me half-way outside, I confronted them about it. They admitted, "We heard a bear so we needed a sacrifice." FML
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