Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML
Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML
Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML
Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML
Today, my boyfriend of almost two years proposed to me. Everything was perfect. The ring was beautiful. And seconds after I said yes, he went to play his new Xbox game. FML
Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML
Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML
Today, I was texting at work when my manager walked in. I quickly dropped my phone in the garbage to avoid trouble. Since I was working so hard, she decided to do me a favor and throw the trash out for me. FML
Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML
Today, at work, a regular started talking to me. Subject of choice? His overwhelming amount of earwax. Apparently he'd like to make a candle out of it once he goes to the doctor to get it removed. FML
Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML
Today, I was in swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your love life! Swim, bitch!" FML
Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML
Today, while riding the bus, a creepy guy gave me the "rape glare" and another guy repeated every word to the conversation I was having with my friend under his breath. FML
Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I'm now afraid to add people on Facebook. FML
Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML
Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me a Paul Frank t-shirt. It says "I'm single." FML
Today, my 28-year-old brother who has been pranking me all my life, put a chocolate cupcake on my chair. I sat on it, with my white dress. On my wedding day. FML
Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML
Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML
Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML
Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML
Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML
Today, my older brother burst into my bedroom at 4 am to show me photos of sushi. FML
Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML
Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML
Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML
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