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Today, I learned, 90 horrifying minutes into a college exam, that my 85-year-old calculus teacher had spent the last three weeks teaching us the wrong chapter. FML

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML

Today, I went down on the girl of my dreams. While I was down there, I started to put on a condom. As I came back up to start having sex, she told me she couldn't cheat on her boyfriend. FML

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML

Clean

Today, my Axe shampoo, body wash, and deodorant finally did their job: they got a girl to notice me. Too bad the girl was my grandma. FML

Today, my mom announced to everyone that she wants at least ten grandchildren. I'm an only child. FML

Today, I asked my sister what she thought of my boyfriend. She said, "He's nice. Deserves better than you, really." FML

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

Today, while cleaning a carpet in my house, something in it sliced my foot. I couldn't find what it was, so I went to clean the wound. 10 minutes later, I sliced my foot again on the same thing. I still can't figure out what it was. FML

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

He's a keeper

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

Tubular Bells starts playing…

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon, after I'd explained to her how scared I was of The Exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

Great lesson

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

Today, I had to explain to my husband why saving the condom from the first time we had sex is not romantic. FML

Today, I was breast feeding my son. Out of nowhere, he bit my nipple hard, causing me to scream in pain. He giggled with my nipple still between his teeth. FML

Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be my wingman and help me get a date with a girl I really liked. I told him my plan, and as I finished and turned to go to her, I noticed her standing right there, listening in on the whole conversation. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't think he should marry me, because I have kids. They're his kids. FML

Baller move

Today, while playing a big basketball game, I had to run urgently to the bathroom because of a really hard diarrhea. I took the ball. FML

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

Today, whilst getting out of the shower, I tripped on the lip of the siding, bruising my middle toe. I fell, and in doing so, squished my cat. She won't even make eye contact and keeps wheezing. I have a feeling she is plotting my death. FML

Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

Karen moment

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

Weird family time

Today, my in-laws kept mocking me for being "too clean" because I take a shower every day. They think I'm weird and kept saying things like, "Be careful when you hug your daughter, she might squeak!" and calling me names like "water-wasting bitch." They haven't stopped all day. FML

Road rage

Today, a guy drove straight into an intersection, running a stop sign and narrowly missing my car. I had to swerve into a snow bank to avoid him. He stopped long enough to see that I had a toddler in my car, before flipping me off and driving away. FML