Mademoiselle 31 ans
Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML
Today, I was in a dating auction. I was bought for $2. The man who won a date with me recited every dialog from the movie The Lord of the Rings. FML
Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML
Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML
Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML
Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML
Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML
Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML
Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML
Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML
Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML
Today, my 15 year-old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML
Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML
Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML
Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML
Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML
Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML
Today, I slipped on a plastic bag that my mom, the hoarder, was keeping on the stairs. I fell and sprained my ankle, getting rug burn in the process. Her response? Getting mad at me, putting the bag back on the stairs, then getting another to add to the pile. FML
Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML
Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
Today, my mother called me urgently from the kitchen. Thinking she was hurt, I ran to her as fast as possible. She threw a wet cloth at my head and ran away, laughing her face off. FML
Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head, destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML
Today, I got a letter of complaint from my landlord. It said my loud, obnoxious trampling is disturbing my downstairs neighbor, and I have to stop. I'm small and hardly weigh anything, but it seems that if I want to keep my lease, I'll have to master the art of levitating. FML
Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML
Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML
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