Mademoiselle Bubbly, Canada Célibataire
Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML
Today, while working at Home Depot, I was asked to cut some wire. When I asked her how much, she said, "From my computer to the wall". After explaining for a while that I didn't know how far that is, she left. FML
Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML
Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML
Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML
Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML
Today, my boss decided that we no longer have to clock out for cigarette breaks, but we do for toilet breaks. I'm the only non-smoker on my floor, and I'm getting penalised for it. FML
Today, every time I write the word "analyst," I can't help but giggle because it begins with "anal." I'm 24, and studying to be a conflict analyst. FML
Today, I realized that my grandma has pictures of all her grandchildren all over her house, with one glaring exception: me. FML
Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML
Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML
Today, I realized that my dog is an evil genius. As I sat down to have a snack, he barked as if he saw someone outside. I went to check it out, but nobody was there. When I returned, I found my dog on the table finishing off my bacon sandwich. FML
Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML
Today, someone stole my umbrella. It was pouring heavily, and I was using it at the time. FML
Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML
Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML
Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML
Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML
Today, I found out that my brother is adamant that if he records silence, then listens to said silence at full volume, it'll improve the headphones' noise-blocking abilities. I live with a complete idiot. FML
Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML
Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML
Today, I was pushed off of a glacier by a very angry tourist. Why? I work as a glacier guide, and apparently some people find it overly frustrating to be informed that there isn't a café on the glacier. FML
Today, I realized that when my dad said he would pay for my college, he really meant that he was going to forge my signature on a student loan in my name and not make payments on it. FML
Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML
Today, I decided to try LSD with a few friends in a safe environment. As an artist, I had planned to spend my trip doing psychedelic paintings and had all my supplies set up. Apparently I spent most of my time in fetal position muttering about the "evil easel" and never even touched my canvas. FML
Today, I had my first interview in over a year. I panicked and passed out. FML
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