BunnyBites

Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

Today, my friend told me men can't be trusted. I told her that wasn't true; I have my husband's password to his email but I never check it because I trust him. She bet me he was doing something bad, and to prove her wrong I looked. Turns out he has been cheating on me for 8 months. FML

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

Today, a white guy tried to teach me to use chopsticks properly. I'm Chinese and have been using them since I could eat. FML

Today, I found out all the money my dad has been saving in the bank for me since birth has all been spent, by my mother who I haven't seen or talked to in about two years. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

Fake it til you make it

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

Today, my boyfriend hacked my facebook account and set my status to say that I was in love with my boss. Seeing the post, my boss called me into his office, and told me he loved me too... FML

Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

Admission time

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

Butterfingers

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

Today, I woke up to a beautiful sunrise, the smell of bacon in a frying pan, and some dickhead trying to pick the lock on my front door. FML

Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

Use it wisely

Today, after teaching my 4 year-old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming, "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

Hangry

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft, and practice frequently. FML

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

What were you thinking?

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML