abifaith13

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over to visit. Being nice, I let him walk down the stairs first, following after him. I still managed to reach the bottom before he did; after taking one step, I lost my footing and fell all the way down, scraping the skin off my arms and legs, and bruising my butt. FML

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I are divorcing because HE had an affair. He now wants a paternity test. FML

Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML

Dancing queen

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML

Today, I found out that in conclusion to working five nights in a row, I'm scheduled to work the night shift on Valentine's day with my ex-boyfriend. FML

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML

Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

Today, my 11 year-old sister unfriended me on Facebook because I'm not "cool enough" to be seen on her profile. FML

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I was in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

Timing is everything

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying on one of my little black dresses and heels. He wanted to "see what the fuss was about." I would have been angry if the sight of him dressed like this hadn't turned me on more than he ever has in the 3 years we've been dating. FML

Legged it

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

Weirdo

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

Today, I bought myself a pair of beautiful, hand-crafted earrings with lighthouses on them. My mother was quick to point out the lighthouses look like dicks. I don't think I can ever wear them again. FML

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML