emdawgschmiddy

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

Today, I went driving for the first time with my mom. When she wasn't screaming, she gave great advice like, "Stop at the red light" and "Don't crash into cars". I need to drive 50 hours with her. FML

Today, a parent of one of the students I teach called me to complain that I was teaching her child "lies" and "fairytales". I was teaching them about the Holocaust. FML

Today, I was driving and someone was following me across the city and wouldn't let up, so I drove past my house, thinking it was a stalker. Eventually I lost them on the highway. It wasn't until I'd gotten back home that I remembered that my 'stalker' was a coworker I'd invited over for lunch. FML

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

Today, my boss fired me by locking me out of my workplace after I went out to throw out the trash. FML

Today, I went to a job interview. It would have been fine if I had remembered it was over the phone, and not in person. I drove two hours. FML

Today, while walking my dog, I opened my mouth to yawn. A wasp took the opportunity to fly into my mouth and announce its presence by stinging my tongue. FML

Today, my roommate's noisiest cat passed away. My previously-silent cat has decided that someone has to fill the void, and has been running around the apartment howling ever since. FML

Today, I went to class to take an important final for which I studied all week long and worked hard in class. Today, the teacher also told us that anyone who had an A did not have to take the final. I missed out on a trip to the Bahamas for this. FML

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML

The joys of spring

Today, I decided to do a good bit of spring cleaning. When my apartment was finally spotless I went to lie down. I woke up later to find my drunk flatmate passed out in a puddle of her own puke on the living room's carpet. FML

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

Today, my boss finally did something nice for me and bought me a coffee. By mistake I poured salt in it. To not be ungrateful, I drank it all in front of her. FML

Today, I was asked to prom by the same guy who "accidentally" cut off a chunk of my hair in class and with whom I haven't had a conversation in my life. When I politely declined he said, "You'll regret this". FML

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

Today, I was working in the garden, when some fire ants ran up my shorts and bit me on an intimate part of my anatomy. My 4 year old nephew will not stop telling people about my rapid strip tease. FML

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

The turkeys fight back

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

Protip

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

Today, I filled out an online application for a internship. I didn't have all the info I need to complete it, but it wouldn't let me leave anything blank so to move along I filled in crap answers. I pressed "Save". It sent my draft in. I now have to explain that "Jesus" isn't actually my reference. FML

****** addict

Today, my husband and I caught our 12-year-old son "experimenting" with a 5-foot tall stuffed Mickey Mouse. He even made sure to rip Mickey's pants off. FML

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

Hack

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML