S_Soapy

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

Today, my teacher "busted" me for writing down answers on my arm for a test. The so called "answers" was just a duck my little nephew had drawn on my hand the night before. She's actually trying to get me suspended over it. FML

Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

Today, I found out that my mom is doing a study and is keeping used pads in the freezer. FML

Today, I got in trouble for shooting my paintball gun at a piece of wood, so my dad told me to go wash it. While I was washing it, he shot me several times in the back, yelling, "That's payback for being born." FML

Today, I had a dream that I kicked the moon like a soccer ball. It started swearing in my boyfriend's voice. That part wasn't a dream. FML

Today, while lying in bed cuddling with my cat after getting stood up, I found out that even 80-year-old Charles Manson is engaged to be married. FML

Today, in the middle of a boring class, my friend offered me some Smarties. We're not allowed to eat in class, but I had a couple anyway. As I put them in my mouth, my "friend" stood up and yelled that I was doing ecstasy. I might actually get expelled. FML

Scared

Today, my self-esteem hit rock bottom when I was intimidated by a 10-year-old. I'm 23. FML

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

Reunited

Today, I accidentally called my boss "Mom." Now she is jokingly telling everyone that I'm the long-lost daughter she gave up for adoption, because she knew I'd be a failure. FML

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML

Siren king

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

Spooked

Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

Today, and for the past few days, there is a musical box stuck somewhere in my attic that randomly plays Christmas songs. FML

It's the thought that counts

Today, I sent my boyfriend a dirty picture to turn him on. He texted back: "Jfc, why wud u tease me like that?? Srsly fuck off". FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

I'll give you 30 quid for one clarky cat

Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML

Today, at the fast food joint I work at, I had to climb into the children's play area and chase out two horny teens who thought it was an appropriate place to stick their hands down each other's pants and fool around. I don't get paid enough for this shit. FML

Today, I woke up after a night of New Year's Eve partying. I remember the night going great. What I don't remember is laying naked in the shower while my girlfriend ran water over my body to make me feel better. I also made my own funeral plans because I was convinced I was going to die. FML