Mademoiselle Narnia, 'Murica 30 ans En couple
Today, at a family dinner, my mom announced that my newborn brother was named after his father. His name is Kevin. My dad's name is Michael. FML
Today, as I had a chat with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends, one of them had brought up my boyfriend's son and his other child who was due any day now. The conversation would have went well, had I known that he had a son and a pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." FML
Today, I found out my fiancé is already married when his wife showed up at my door. That's about the same time she found her husband is gay, and that Ashley can be a man's name. FML
Today, I've spent nearly three weeks indulging my boyfriend's weird fetish, where he wears a hockey mask and I call him Jason. He just confessed it isn't really a fetish for him and that was just fucking with me. He's already told all his friends. I'm humiliated. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML
Today, my anxiety cockblocked me. I was in the middle of a wank, about to come, when I suddenly freaked out and had to stop and check to make sure I didn't have any homework due tomorrow. FML
Today, I was roused from my peaceful slumber by the sound of evil laughter coming from my closet. It was my old Furby, with dead batteries, that I could have sworn I got rid of several years ago. FML
Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML
Today, I started a new school, after moving from England to New York. People only talked to me just to hear my accent. FML
Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML
Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML
Today, my boss fired three of the four other people who were going to work with me on Black Friday in my department. Now it's just me and a new hire. My boss doesn't see a problem. FML
Today, I realized why "Stay off the grass" signs were all over campus. I cut through the grass on my way to my next class and tripped over a sprinkler head, breaking it off and soaking myself in muddy water. I had to sit through a 4-hour lecture with wet, muddy clothes. FML
Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML
Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML
Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML
Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML
Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML
Today, my mom tried to burn my arm with a hot spatula, all because I got a tattoo against her wishes. FML
Today, I learned not to take sex tips from virgins seriously. "Have sex in the shower", they said. "It'll be fun", they said. Well they didn't take slippage into account. One busted nose and concussion later, I'm not seeing the "fun" part at all. FML
Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML
Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML
Today, I realised there's a reason that no one talks to the weird guy from choir practice. I was nice to him a couple weeks ago and now he won't stop following me around the school and watching my group at lunch from behind a pole. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parents' bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML
Today, I learned that the only way for me to have a complete bowel movement is to blow my nose at the same time. However, I learned this while standing in my girlfriend's kitchen. FML
Today, my school's theater production was canceled. Not because of budget, but because my co-star fell in love with me and asked me out. When I pointedly declined, he refused to act alongside me since it was "awkward." Everyone's blaming me for it. FML
Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML
Today, my extremely religious grandmother disowned me for watching Supernatural. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been having an affair with my childhood bully. FML
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