beeferjay

Get Lucky, sound of the summer

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

Today, a great job I have been wanting to apply for opened for applications. Turns out it requires a clean background with no credit issues. I recently got a notice saying my wife and I are being sued over an unpaid $140 medical bill that she neglected to pay. FML

Today, my mom prevented me from walking a neighbor's dog because she said I'm obsessed with it. I walk the dog three times a day because that's what the neighbors pay me to do. FML

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

Today, my mom tried to burn my arm with a hot spatula, all because I got a tattoo against her wishes. FML

Today, I was officially diagnosed with OCD. My mother's reaction? "That's not possible, she's a fucking slob." FML

Creeped out of here

Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML

I don't wanna…

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

Today, my date suggested we go to 10:30 p.m. movie so we could "talk" in the car afterwards, when the parking lot was empty. Thus, at 1 a.m., I thought we were going to make out. However, he only asked where I get my car air freshener from, had me write down the scent, and then suggested we go home. FML

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

Horno

Today, I asked my dad why the WiFi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

Living his best life

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML

Front line workers

Today, my partner and I got called out to a domestic disturbance. Things turned ugly while we were en-route. Long story short, I now know how many grown men it takes to lift a nearly 400lb shit-covered woman onto a stretcher. I almost reconsidered my choice of career. FML

Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

Never ever

Today, a guy for whom I did a design job told me he would only be able to pay me in 3 weeks. I told him that it was OK, as long as I didn't have to follow him around to collect my money. "Don't worry, I know the feeling," he said, "I used to run an illegal business." FML

Domestic bliss

Today, I had to hide the entire drawer of kitchen knives under my bed just to keep my mother from stabbing her cheating boyfriend, and slashing his tires. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. FML

Today, my boss of six months asked me what country I'm from. I'm white and from the southern United States. I'm so quiet, he didn't think I spoke English. FML

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

Today, Murphy's law didn't check out: my piece of toast didn't fall on the side containing the spread of jam. However, when I leaned against the corner of the table to pick it up, I knocked a full ashtray on top of it. FML

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

Pranks are evil

Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML

Today, while jailbreaking my dad's phone, I found out the hard way that it's jam-packed full of my mom's nudes. FML

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

Today, after quitting my job to take a very attractive position with a competitor, I was told the position was no longer being offered. I'm now on my way to file for unemployment. FML

Today, the guy I thought I was exclusive with admitted that the only reason he comes over is because no one else will sleep with him. FML