Monsieur Petoskey, MI, United States of America 28 ans Célibataire
Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML
Today, I got a super short pixie cut. All my boyfriend could do was stare at me, speechless. I thought he was taken aback by how cute it was, until he told me that I look exactly like my fifteen year-old brother. FML
Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML
Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML
Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML
Today, I started to fall in love with my wife again. We are in the middle of a divorce. FML
Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML
Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML
Today, while at work, after reading more than 100 FMLs and moderating more than 500, I decided to write one of my own with the help of my boss, who had been standing next to me for over an hour. "How about being fired?" FML
Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML
Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML
Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted, "Nice to meet your dad, I hope we didn't look too horny." A few minutes later, he replied, "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML
Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML
Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML
Today, my hay-fever started. I'm five months pregnant, and every time I cough, sneeze or blow my nose I either fart or wet myself. FML
Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn't find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML
Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML
Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML
Today, my husband revealed that he found me drunk and shoe-less in a shrub in our front garden last night, sending dirty texts to my new employee. I've recently had my meds switched and apparently can't drink now. My husband's pissed, my shoes are gone, and I can't look the new guy in the face. FML
Today, I thought maybe I should go to my doctor because my hips crack every time I take a step. But she's also my recently ex-boyfriend's mom, so I have to choose between being in constant pain or having my doctor poke at my hips while asking me why I'm no longer dating her son. FML
Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML
Today, I stayed in a hotel near the college I was applying for a scholarship. We were eating breakfast and there were some other applicants in the breakfast room. As we walked away, my mother yelled, "My daughter's gonna get this scholarship so there's no reason for you muddafuckas to show up." FML
Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML
Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML
Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML
Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML
Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3 a.m., screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML
Today, I had to wake my mom up. While she was naked. On the toilet. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
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