AppleJacksBrony

Today, my boyfriend admitted than he's been using Febreze instead of showering for the past month. FML

Red flag

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

Today, I found out that I am "un-promotable" to the job that I have been promised for the last two years because, I "don't suffer idiots well." Idiots. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

Wine about it

Today, I knocked over and broke one of two very expensive wine bottles. As I was using the mop to clean it up, the handle knocked over and broke the other. FML

Fellas, is it gay to date a woman?

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I cut my hair short and he didn't want people to think he was gay. FML

Let it go

Today, I had to write, "Do not use to freeze cat," on my bag of ice because my sister's cat died, and she refuses to bury it. FML

Difficult

Today, as a restaurant manager, I had a large party of difficult guests. They sat in their private room they'd reserved for three-and-a-half hours, then caused a huge scene when it was time to pay. One guy even ran at me like he was going to hit me. FML

Today, I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony with all of our family and friends. Too bad it ended with us leaving the reception before dancing even started, since my groom couldn't stop bawling his eyes out from all the stress. FML

Today, while waiting for a plane, a man in a wheelchair was struggling to get to baggage, so I helped him. I did so without realising that I passed through the "No Entry" gate. What did I forget? My phone, my ID, and my boarding pass. What do you need to get back to the plane? All of those. FML

Horny

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

Today, my wife yelled at me for being a bastard and not caring about her needs. I felt like an asshole and apologized for everything. It took me a few hours to realize I'd basically just apologized for unknowingly hanging the toilet paper the "wrong way" for her OCD. FML

Today, I accidentally belched at the dinner table. At age 22, I got sent to my room with no dessert by my parents. FML

Today, I walked into my house and saw it was flooded. I went upstairs to the bathroom to see the toilet overflowing and my boyfriend holding my dog over it so he could drink it. My boyfriend said he didn't know what else to do. FML

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML

Today, I rode my new motorcycle to work for the first time. As I accelerated, I felt a sharp pain in my neck. Apparently, poisonous spiders can actually get trapped inside motorbike helmets. Duly noted. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because, "Nobody's that happy without drugs." FML

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML