SOILEDIT

Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

Close but no cigar

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML