teentee401

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

You tried

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

Today, I was walking to my professor's office. I've had an upset stomach all week, and I still felt a little gassy, so I politely decided to pass gass before entering the room. More than just gas came out. FML

Today, I went to the gym with my grandma. In the span of an hour, she was hit on more than I ever have been in my life. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she heard me say "love you" on the phone. I was talking to my mom. FML

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

Lord of the dance

Today, I was at dance rehearsal. As a male dancer I like to keep the fact that I dance a secret because of the stupid stereotypes male dancers have. This plan was quickly shot down when I discovered I was performing at my school. FML

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

Today, my friend told me she'd lost her notebook filled with crucial notes for our finals. She asked if she could borrow mine and copy my notes. She then lost my notebook too. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

My eyes! My eyes!

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid seeing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

Insult to adultery

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

Today, I was going so slow in traffic that my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

Today, my husband managed to set fire to half of our garden setting up mosquito repellents. FML

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

Deflated

Today, I realized that it's been well over a month since my boyfriend has even tried to have sex with me. The last time was our first time, and because he couldn't keep it up, he's too humiliated to accept any of my advances. FML

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

Today, was my first day as a male cheerleader in an attempt to flirt. The girls were stronger than me and it's now my job to be thrown in the air by girls. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML

Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

Today, a customer threw his hot coffee all over me, because it was taking "too long" for their credit card to be approved. FML

Today, my boyfriend turned down a job that would have more than doubled his income because he didn't want to upset his current boss by quitting. FML

Today, I saw a cute guy and decided to say hi. As I started to think about things to talk about, one story in particular about a drummer who looked like Jesus stuck out in my mind. I was so nervous that instead of saying hi, I blurted out, "Some people look like Jesus!" and took off. FML