Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML
Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML
Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards to ask if I could come over to help them clean up. FML
Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML
Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML
Today, my morning sickness decided to show itself every time I smell coffee. I work at a coffee shop. FML
Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML
Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML
Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML
Today, I discovered that it's an hour and 45 minutes quicker to get the bus to work, rather than the train. I've worked there for six years. FML
Today, I found out that if a guy you've been dating starts acting weird, there's probably a reason why. Like, perhaps, a wife and two kids. FML
Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML
Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML
Today, I walked downstairs with a couple of bags full of stuff, in preparation for a sleepover at my friend's house. My nine-year-old cousin looked at me and said, "Where're you going? Fat camp?" FML
Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML
Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML
Today, I was bitched out by my supervisor because of my lack of "customer service" skills. I work at a jail and all my "customers" are criminals. FML
Today, a lady on the bus came up to me and asked if she could sit down. Thinking she meant the seat next to me, I said sure. She meant my lap. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML
Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML
Today, I went on a date with a co-worker I've been interested in for some time. The topic of discussion she chose over lunch: how she's living a double-life as an escort in Flint and that she thinks she's picked up an STD from unprotected sex. FML
Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML
Today, nobody wants to hang out with me due to a nasty rumor that my ex has spread. No one will tell me what was said, because I apparently "know full well" what I did. FML
Today, I was laid off from my job as a manager. After cleaning out my office, I began clearing my computer. I received an email from HR announcing a job position that opened up. Too bad it was for my job. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML
Today, I found out I'm actually the uncle of my children. All four of them. FML
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