Bloink

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

Freakout

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

Lightweight

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

Nice deflection

Today, my husband started getting frisky, but I wasn't in the mood, so I said I'd just like to cuddle and talk. He decided a good topic of conversation was whether or not it would be physically possible to smoke my grandma's ashes from the cremation urn. FML

Today, I had just finished up at work. I was standing on a street corner, waiting to cross to get to my car on the other side. I had three people pull up beside me and ask me how much I charged. FML

Late night customers are the worst

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

Happy Birthday

Today, I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "Happy birthday!" before they left. FML

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

Today, I had a wet dream in the middle of an 8-hour-long airplane flight. FML

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

Menace to society

Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

Nostalgia

Today, I realized that the comforting, unique scent of my mother in my childhood was actually the smell of the marijuana she smokes. FML

Today, my girlfriend found out you can use food coloring in anything. Everything she cooks is now in bright neon colors. I feel like I'm in a Dr Seuss book. FML

Classy guy

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking at engagement rings. When the store owner asked about our budget, my boyfriend said with a straight face, "Nothing too expensive, I have a big penis so I don't have to overcompensate by buying a big diamond." FML

Which one are you?

Today, I met my new class. There are two Kevin Smiths. Neither will agree to a nickname, they have the same hair color, and their middle names both start with J. They have told me to call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2. They both want to be Kevin 1. FML

Today, while at a hospital, a prayer group circled me and started praying that God and the good doctors and nurses would heal me from the disease that disfigured my face. I was there to visit my sick grandmother. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to go to the Apple store and log me on to Facebook on every single computer. FML

It's the thought that counts

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML