PeterPanties

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

Don't answer

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML

Today, my date mugged me, just minutes after I paid our bill at the restaurant. FML

Today, I was fired for "smelling like garbage". I'm the guy who throws the garbage into the truck. FML

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

Today, I signed into my online class, got bored, and took off my headphones to argue with my roommates about anal sex. At the end of the argument, I put my headphones back on to hear my professor asking if someone could call me to tell me to turn my damn mic off. FML

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML