Tallahassee, United States 27 ans
Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML
Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say, "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML
Today, I agreed to help out with my boyfriend's sister's baby shower. They forgot to inform me that "helping" meant splitting the cost of everything. I now owe his family $275. I don't know how to back out without looking cheap. FML
Today, I was hanging out with my neighbor. He asked me if I wanted to play Twister, and I said no because I thought it would be weird. What was his response? "C'mon. You can leave if it gets sexual". FML
Today, I found out why my girlfriend was so excited to get to see me. She finally got to end the relationship she didn't want anymore. FML
Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML
Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML
Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML
Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML
Today, I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she's seen me "walking near her house and waving at her" for the last two months. I've been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML
Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked, "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said, "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said, "That's great to hear!" Turns out she has lung cancer instead. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML
Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML
Today, my boyfriend stopped making out with me to watch a thirty minute infomercial on the Topsy-Turvy upside down tomato planter. FML
Today, I was studying for a midterm, so I put my computer on the side of my desk to make more room for my books. My roommate came in while I wasn't paying attention and tackle-hugged me from behind - I fell over, knocking my computer out the window. I live on the 8th floor. FML
Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML
Today, I was driving on the highway and a cop had his radar gun out. The woman in front of me panics and slams her brakes on, causing me to rear end her. The cop cited me for "tailgating" and I have to pay for the damages on both of our cars. FML
Today, I was visiting my friend's new house and he was showing me around. I saw a small door in the wall and decided to open it. When I opened it, his daughter was hiding in there and screamed to scare me. Now I know my scream is more high pitched than his daughter's. I'm a 37 year old male. FML
Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML
Today, I am not allowed to have any of my candy because of my sister's weight problem. FML
Today, I got a letter confirming I had dropped out of college. I received this letter shortly after completing the 10th essay I had finished this week as a result of me deciding to finally apply myself to my schoolwork. Turns out that while dropping a class, I checked Drop All instead of Drop 1. FML
Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML
Today, my colleague rushed off to the hospital for the birth of his first son. Having met his wife at the Christmas party a couple of years ago, I called to congratulate her. Shame I didn't realize it was his mistress having the baby. Guess who broke the news to the wife. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML
Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML
Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML
Today, I heard a rumor about myself going around my high school that I am pregnant, I've dropped out of school, and that my belly is showing. I'm not actually pregnant. I've been severely depressed, so I've missed a few days of school and I've been eating too much apparently. FML
Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML
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