Tallahassee, United States 27 ans
Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML
Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML
Today, I slipped in a pile of vomit someone left for me on the train platform on the way to work, spraying puke all over both of my legs. It's only 6:30am. It's going to be a long day. FML
Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML
Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML
Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML
Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML
Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML
Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML
Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML
Today, my son broke his hand when he and his best friend had the genius idea of punching each other in the fists as hard as they could. FML
Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML
Today, whilst waiting tables at work, I served a young couple the milkshakes they had ordered. The woman at the next table verbally abused me for "teasing" her screaming sons with "unhealthy foods". FML
Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML
Today, I was pretending to be a ballerina. I was dancing around my room, making a complete dick of myself. I eventually caught sight of a pair of guys grinning and filming me with their cellphones through my window. FML
Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML
Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML
Today, my girlfriend invited me over for the first time. I pulled up to her house just to be denied at the front door by her mum. She'd invited me over to break up with me, but had her mum do it for her. FML
Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML
Today, I found that I conduct so much static electricity that I'm periodically given a shock by my headphones as I walk with them on. 5ML
Today, I found out that my three closest online friends are the same person: my obsessive ex. I met all three before he and I even started dating. FML
Today, I sped off down the road, then realized to my horror that my cat was clinging to the roof of the car. FML
Today, I got chewed out by a parent for putting her kid underwater. I teach swim lessons. FML
Today, I sat in on a university-level physics lecture, listening to my hyped-up co-students approximating the hypothetical situation of the Sun consisting of gerbils. The conversation then continued towards how much better energy/mass ratio the gerbil-sun would have compared to the actual star. FML
Today, I got my graduation photos back. I'd sent them to a friend for touching up, but unfortunately we had a major argument recently. I guess that's why in the photos I've been photoshopped out and replaced with a goat. FML
Today, I was getting everything ready for mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary. Flowers, check. Crisp new bed sheets, check. Silk underwear, check. Crippling cramps and an early period, check. FML
Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML
Today, a booklet came in the mail, addressed to me and titled "How To Train Your Wife". I didn't order it but my wife doesn't believe me. FML
Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML
Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML
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